Keeping up with the onslaught of pitch emails sent in the weeks before the Consumer Electronics Show is a Sisyphean task, to say the least.
Fortunately, there are breaks in the monotony every once in awhile. Sometimes you receive a truly unique, absurd, or entertaining pitch that makes it (almost) worth it. We’ve collected those pitches for you dear reader, to spare you the pain of sifting through umpteen dull emails on the latest connected car system.
Continue reading for 10 of the goofiest CES pitch emails we’ve received this year, watch the video above for highlights, and keep up with GeekWire over the next week for more coverage of the big tech expo.
The product: BodyFriend massage chair
The pitch: “After being the second bestselling massage chair company in the world in 2016 BodyFriend are planning to expand their customer base by officially entering the US market in 2017. The consumer electronics show is their first stop. At the show you will be able to experience their flagship massage chairs as well as the new line of revolutionary new products. BodyFriend is the living proof that massage chairs are not only for seniors but also younger audience in their 30s and 40s. To target a younger audience, BodyFriend has a more trendy and modern approach to designing and grafting their products such as adding ‘calf-dieting’ features and many more health related features. Starting with the west coast, BodyFriend are planning on executing an extremely aggressive retail expansion in the US in 2017…”
“At the show you will be able to also take a look at some of their flagship models as well as get a preview of their latest massage chair model inspired by Lamborghini. Don’t miss your chance to test some of the best massage assistants in the world!”
Our take: Although I’d love to discuss the efficacy of using terms like “extremely aggressive” or “Lamborghini” to sell massage chairs, I’m going to skip straight to the main event. Calf-dieting!? Did I somehow miss out on the latest fitness craze? Can a massage chair help my calves achieve the perfection that has eluded them all these years? Each question just begs more questions. Hats off to you BodyFriend for piquing our curiosity.
The product: The Butt Case
The pitch: The Butt Case provides great comfort and support when holding your smartphone all day. If you think we are kidding, see for yourself during CES 2017, January 5 – 8, 2017.
Our take: Finally, a phone case Sir Mix-A-Lot would approve of. Handl’s tired of magazines, saying flat phones are the thing so they came up with an alternative that’s round, thick, and juicy. All I can say is wow. Just wow.
The product: Aurai water-propelled face massager
The pitch: “We excitedly presents the world’s 1st water propelled face massager with cool/warm temperatures powered by proprietary hydronic system, providing wave kind of current that offers user with unprecedented face massage experience.
“It’s also the world’s 1st face massager equipped with dermal detection which tells users how well their skin is performing with the device.”
Our take: If you’ve ever been to the beach, you know nothing says relaxation like a wave slapping you in the face. We assume that’s the inspiration for this very marketable face massager. And while “dermal detection” sounds super impressive and real, we noticed a couple teeny tiny flaws in this one. Everyone hates getting water up their nose and nobody wants their face massaged.
Dobot M1 Robotic Arm
The product: Dobot M1 ‘affordable’ industrial robotic arm
The pitch: “As the first industrial robotic arm at affordable price for makers, businesses, Dobot M1 draws much attention from the presses like Techcrunch, DigitalTrends. However, there are still some feedbacks about the price. In order to share benefits with all supporters, we decide to hold this giveaway. Though we only have 2 prototypes in office, we still think that’s right to say ‘Thank You’ for all friends.”
Our take: Add GeekWire to that list of presses because you certainly caught our attention. Dobot is playing it fast and loose with the word “affordable.” The M1 robotic arm retails at a cool $3,099. To be fair, it does seem to have some cool applications but it’s not clear, based on the Kickstarter video, if you have to build functions like yourself. “It can be your 3D printer, laser engraver, soldering machine or whatever else you build upon it.” Sorry Dobot, but a lot of things can turn into other things if you build them yourself.
The product: Tittle LED Lamp
The pitch: “This year at CES 2017, SPIN-R will launch Tittle Light (#TittleLight), a unique LED lamp that instantly transforms any home environment by titillating users’ senses with a variety of beautiful and custom mood lighting and 3D animated emojis. Complemented with an iOS, Android and web app, Tittle allows users to instantly immerse themselves in their ideal lighting environment with the touch of a finger through the app’s color, brightness, mood, timer and animation controls.
“With Tittle Light, users can easily set the stage for any occasion with a variety of settings such as ‘mood light,’ ‘music visualizations,’ ‘clock’ displays and customizable 3D ’emojis.’ The mood lighting feature complements every occasion, from romantic with the ‘sexy time’ or ‘sunset’ settings, to fun with the ‘fireworks’ or ‘twilight’ settings as well as celebratory with the ‘rainbow’ and ‘sparks’ settings. With the music visualization mode, Tittle Light generates exhilarating 3D animated imagery by synchronizing with any surrounding music and sounds in real time. Tittle Light can also display time through both digital and analog modes with its built-in quartz chip.”
Our take: I might’ve been down with this product if the name and pitch didn’t make me instantly want to take a shower. Do less Tittle.
The product: DeviceLikeNoOther
The pitch: “Join us at Pepcom Digital Experience for more details on American Greetings #DeviceLikeNoOther announcement. DeviceLikeNoOther will be on display and available for demos and we will have a release, images and a launch video.”
Our take: You win, American Greetings. The suspense is killing me. Is it a card? Is it a tablet? It looks like a card and yet they say it’s a device — LIKE NO OTHER. The titan of greeting cards is thinking outside the box, and the result feels like the lovechild of Apple and Beauty and the Beast‘s marketing teams.
The product: Motion sickness wristband
The pitch: “With CES on the horizon and VR being a huge focus this year, I wanted to send you a reminder on Reliefband’s solution to those feeling the effects of motion sickness as a result of trying VR SIM. It’s an FDA-cleared wearable device for the drug-free treatment of nausea and vomiting associated with morning and motion sickness.
“Reliefband will be on hand in the Gaming and Virtual Reality Marketplace at LVCC South Hall 1 Booth #21762 with Relief Stations to provide a welcome relief for those loving the immersive VR content, but not loving the sickness it may cause. They are also launching dedicated an online resource explaining the various causes of VR motion sickness.”
Our take: We’re all for helping carsick kids and moms fighting morning sickness but I’m hung up on the virtual reality angle. If VR makes you that sick, perhaps consider not using VR?
The product: Next Bottle smart water bottle
Our take: Does your reusable water bottle do anything other than hydrate you and protect the environment? Time to stop living in the stone ages. The Next Bottle includes everything you never knew you wanted from a water bottle — a Bluetooth speaker, phone charger, phone holster and key ring. It makes the perfect gift for your careless friend who doesn’t give a hoot about storing her phone in a vessle full of water.
The product: Lief stress-detector
The pitch: “Stress increases your risk of heart attack by 50%. Lief is the first wearable patch that can detect when you’re starting to feel stressed and coach you with vibration patterns to bring your heart rate and breathing patterns back to a healthy level. When your breathing patterns indicate stress, Lief will vibrate when the users should exhale, helping them bring their heart beat, breathing and mind back to a calmer state naturally.
“Lief’s journey began in Harvard and Stanford neuroscience labs studying the effect of meditation on the brain. The company founders also spent nearly a year trekking through the Himalayan mountains to measure the brainwaves and heartbeats of meditating Tibetan monks to further perfect Lief for users.”
“CES makes for a stressful few days, so if you’d like to see Lief first hand and learn how the wearable can help you keep your stress level down, let’s set up a time for you to try it out.”
Our take: Call me old school, but another good indicator of stress is the feeling of stress. Instead of dropping $200 plus on this device, consider some simple exercises in self-awareness. It seems like a little self-soothing and mindful breathing could accomplish essentially the same thing.
The product: Kitchen of Tomorrow
The pitch: “Natufia Labs, makers of the fully-automated indoor growing machine with state of the art technology and sleek design, will unveil the NATUFIA Kitchen Garden at CES 2017 for distribution in the US market. This new machine offers easy kitchen integration, high quality materials like stainless steel, tempered glass, food-grade plastic and ceramics for a year-round fresh food production.
“Technology is in every part of the machine. The NATUFIA Kitchen Garden grows produce from seeds without using soil, so through each step of the grow process, the seedlings and later plants, are monitored by numerous sensors.”
Our take: I’d like to pretend that this ridiculous, $14,000 kitchen-garden doesn’t appeal to me…but that would be a lie. If I dig deep, I know this is absolutely the kind of bizarre thing I would buy if I had a truly disposable income. Beyond the convenience of sink-side arugula, the NAFUTIA Kitchen Garden has speakers to play music for your seedlings. The lucky pampered plants that make the NAFUTIA their home can listen to “classical, ambient and nature sounds.” I’d like to taste at tomato raised on Chopin. Just saying.