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When Apple co-founder Steve Jobs introduced the first iPhone a decade ago, it “marked a milestone in both technology and innovation,” according to a new video from the folks at jacksfilms on YouTube. All reverence for the tech giant and its latest offering ended with that line.

The culmination of Jobs’ vision was realized on Tuesday with the unveiling of the iPhone X — or, The $1,000 Emoji Machine, as the parody calls it.

In a stinging rebuke of the pricey new smartphone’s capabilities, the video opens with Craig Federichi, Apple’s senior vice president of software engineering, bawking and braying like chicken and unicorn emojis, before just animating his face as poop.

From there, the details about the device don’t do it any favors.

  • The iPhone X comes in two new colors: You Can’t and Afford It.
  • FaceID, the company’s replacement for swiping or TouchID to unlock your phone, is described as “thousands of lasers” shooting “straight into your pores” to suck out your soul. Faces are stored on a shelf forever — just like in “Game of Thrones” at the Hall of Faces. Does Arya use an iPhone?
  • The camera has a new studio lighting mode so you can trick people on Tinder and Bumble into thinking you’re good looking.

Watch the rest of the video for the complete, hilarious take down of Apple’s latest offering.

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